Saturday, June 5, 2010
burning shadows
Sometimes, I feel like the ugliest human being on Earth. Okay, so I'm lying. My brain is actually projecting the words 'most of the time'. And that, my friends, is really, really close to all the time. Literally just, like, two sand grains away, which is equivalent to 98%. I would point out all the things that support this statement, but that would just scare every one of you away, unless of course you love me with most of your heart, and you're a true friend. Yes, I am, in fact, also the saddest, most depressed person on Earth. I know it doesn't really show, I try, at times, to hide most of it, especially when the people I care for are emotionally unstable, because I don't ever want to see any of them as sad as I am, not even close to as sad as I am, because it would definitely add up to my depression. I like seeing people happy, you know, smiling with all their heart. It's such a beautiful thing, and the fact that I don't have that is.. well, it's alright, you know? It's okay if I don't deserve happiness. Seeing people happy is enough for me. But let's be honest here, it would feel nice to feel happiness, even if it is of a small proportion. My time hasn't come, but I'll wait. I won't keep my hopes up or anything though.
I think something is very wrong with me. In fact, I think everything is wrong with me. The girl who screws up almost everything that comes her way. I don't think I can do anything right. And I am always angry at myself because of that. I'm a stupid fuck. I am nothing to anyone. Sure, I'm a daughter to my parents, I'm a sister to my one and only brother, I'm a student to my teachers, I am a granddaughter to my grandparents, I'm a niece to my uncles and aunts, I'm a friend to some people although perhaps some people just take me for granted when I try to be there for them as much as I possibly can, even if it's very insignificant in their perspectives but that's okay, I'm an enemy to some for reasons I do not understand, most of which are immature, I'm an annoyance to some as well, some can't stand my tendency to serial-tweet and I'm sorry for that, I just have nowhere-else to voice out in my life, I don't talk much, if you don't already know.
Where I live, I only have three people, my dad, who does not talk to me unless he wants to know where my mom or my brother is or if I want any food or money, we do not ever engage in personal conversations. All my life, he's been picking me up from school all the time, and it's always awkward in the car. When I was a little girl, he wanted to turn me into a tomb-boy, a butch. Which is pretty cool, I guess, he planted a car-obsession in me since I was in diapers, I had the coolest toys, I was into all of it, I was close with my boy-cousins who are sons to his sister and brother, but at some point I realized I was out of place because he was always bringing me out with his friends and their sons and all and I remember rejecting an offer to be in a football team when I was 6 or 7 because I was embarrassed the fact that my dad was kinda trying to turn me into a guy which I wasn't. And then a whole disconnection between us occurred and we'll never reconnect again. He looks down on me way too much. I kind of regret it though, it would've been fun to be a little more boy-ish as a result to my dad's role of nurture. It's sad, really.
Then there's my mom, who's there for me the most in comparison to the two men. Yeah, she listens to me, she's alright, she's cool with me and my friends and most of my love-life contents, but it's clear to me she doesn't want to know everything about me and doesn't have to know every single thing about me, it's not like I can hang out with her all the time. She has work, she has mom-things to do. And although my mom is the most patient person I know, I can see how sick she gets when I talk way too much and she doesn't really want to pay attention, therefore she doesn't. Which is why at times I just stop talking and I go "nevermind" and just go back to my room. I've been attached to her my entire life, I think I need to develop a little independence from her. Wait, no, my mom and I need to develop independence from each other. I am in fact 19, and in 8 months I'll be 20. I think because I'm the only one they need to control due to the fact that my brother is very antisocial and hardly goes out at all, they kind of treat me like I'm still 13. Going out makes them pay more attention to me, when I'm at home, it's all about my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that though. I'm still trying to figure it out.
In addition to this, I'd like to point out that I think I know that I am a big burden to both of my parents and I am always on the edge of giving up. In terms of so many things you wouldn't imagine. It sucks being me, it's true.
Next, of course, my 15-year-old testosterone-infested brother. He hates me. I swear, he's the only one I think I can be myself with, well not a hundred percent of course, but perhaps really close to that. Every time I pass by his room, I have to open his door and sit down in his room for like 5 minutes and say something completely ridiculous and just go on and on about it, and it makes me smile, even if it pisses him off and chases me out of his room, you know? I don't know why, even if he punches me, I'm still happy. We show our "love" for each other in the stupidest ways. We call each other the most awful names, we piss each other off constantly, we talk about our parents after midnight, we engage in personal conversations in the kitchen when we're home alone, we make music together, we make art together. I love him with all my heart, honestly, but he thinks I'm a waste of his time at most times. He doesn't wanna listen to me 80% of the time. So when we connect, it's really a rare occasion, and I treasure every second of it, but I don't think he does. He'd never go out with me. It's okay though.
I get jealous whenever I hear my friends going out with their sibling(s), or their whole family and I think they pretty much take it for granted. I'd kill for that. My family, we never go out together, and there's only the four of us.
I am a very lonely person. A very fragile person, as well. There are so many things I'm hiding from the world. I may seem like I have a very colorful personality, but the truth is, it's really dark. I fill my life up with colors because I want my personality to duplicate that in some way but that hasn't been fulfilled yet. There is a big empty space inside of me. I am merely a bucket full of nothing.
Things I would like:
1. The opposite of nothing.
2. The opposite of empty.
3. To be truly loved.
4. Perfection.
5. A brain, a brilliant one.
